This year has been filled with immense highs that I am forever grateful for, but I’ve also had very deep lows… which in a way I am also grateful for.
Since I haven’t blogged in two years, some quick good news: I’m in a happy, healthy, loving relationship that is quite literally a manifestation of reality. For so long I wrote, thought, and spoke about what I wanted in a partner, and I finally met him in November of 2021. In October we moved in together and it’s been going very well :) I can’t imagine being treated better by a person. He’s reignited the travel-bug I once had, brought out my adventurousness, and is the most incredibly supportive man I’ve ever met… I could go on and on but I’ll spare you ;)
I’ve been in therapy for the past three years and it has completely changed me. I’ve been able to heal from trauma, get back to my true self, set boundaries, and compartmentalize my friendships into real friends, party friends, and not friends at all (which was long overdue.) I’ve also written two screenplays! One solo project and one with a friend of mine from college. Both of which I’m so proud of, and I’m manifesting something good will come of them. With all of my personal growth and the amazing things I’ve openly shared about my life, offline I’ve been struggling.
I’ve never spoken directly about my monetary situation, but I’m swimming in college debt. I borrowed well-over $100,000 in private student loans with high interest rates. It's been difficult to pay back and the pandemic pause initiatives didn’t make my loans go away. In an effort to get my head above water, I applied for a forbearance, so my interest rates still went up while I took six months off of paying. That six months is long over, and all my money goes to my student debt with not much left over for savings. To say the very least, this is a big stressor for me, and it has taken a toll on my mental health.
I moved to Los Angeles in January 2017 (almost 6 years ago !!) with no apartment, no job, no plan, and practically no money because I believe in myself and my purpose of making a monumental change in this world. While trying to stay afloat making money and payments on my loans, I’ve struggled to stay focused on my bigger picture objectives; to help change the stigmas around transgender people, more specifically trans women. I want to give hope to the trans community while also helping cisgender people understand us better. I knew that returning to LA, my birthplace, would make more dreams into reality, because that within itself was a dream of mine.
Although it’s crucial to share the stories of the horrible things that trans people go through and the violence we face, I want to focus on telling the stories that show us in a lens beyond tragedy, through acting, directing, writing, and producing. Trans people can be beautiful, cool, happy, loved, respected, sexy, successful, supported… you name it. My story, for instance, is one I want to tell creatively so that I can accomplish these goals on a global scale. I knew I could inspire people by sharing my life on social media and hoped it would lead me to my Hollywood empire goals. I feel that I now need to transition my presence from the phone screen to the silver screen; because the current state of my mental health is affected by my feelings toward being a social media influencer.
I began making money through social media brand partnerships in 2019 when I was hired for a national modeling campaign with IPSY. One of my biggest dreams, being on billboards, came true through this partnership. It was a surreal moment and affirmed for me that trans women are seen as beautiful, can work in the beauty industry, and that I was on the right path. Part of my IPSY contract was making monthly beauty content for Instagram using the five products in their Glam Bags. I had received free giftings in exchange for “social love” back in 2018, but this was the first time I was paid to make content. The relationships I created with beauty brands by tagging them each month led me to more paid partnerships; but from the very beginning I didn’t enjoy the work.
I was accustomed to showing up on set to model or speak about my story. I see those jobs as a collaboration with different creative departments, but by being an influencer I became all the departments. It's frustrating for me to find the best time of day to film, set up the tripod, the camera, the lighting, do my hair and makeup, figure out what to wear, learn the lines or key messages, make sure the products are showing properly - and then have to perform. This process never goes smoothly, I always have to redo takes because of various difficulties with creating content on my own. After shooting, I edit, create captions, and submit for brand approval hoping they won’t ask for any changes or reshoots. It’s way harder than people think and feels very isolating. This was further exacerbated by the pandemic. Alas, I knew I needed a job and this came with lots of perks and privileges; like working from home, free haircare, makeup, skincare, shoes, clothes, accessories, invitations to events… you get the point.
When the pandemic continued past those initial “two weeks,” sets closed down and the production of my movie Queen, based on me becoming the World’s first transgender prom queen, was put on pause. The modeling and speaking gigs stopped, so I turned to influencing full time. The frustrations of the job made me realize how much I missed the set-life and decided I wanted to act more seriously. In September 2020 I got representation and started the grind of auditioning, which inspires similar frustrations as filming brand deals. In September 2021 I didn’t have much money saved but decided to invest in myself by investing in acting classes and a personal assistant. The acting studio was a lot of fun and confirmed my love for the craft, but I’ve put it on pause for now. My assistant helped me so much with getting back on track with work. In October 2021 I signed with a social media talent agency and started making a living. By June 2022 my main revenue stream and highest work priority became social media, but my assistant wasn’t able to fulfill those needs. We parted ways as true friends and I’m forever grateful for her.
My mental health was lowest when my toxic relationship with social media hit its climax in June of this year. The day before my birthday I received my first taste of mass cyberbullying with over six million haters in 24hrs coming to my Instagram to harass me for supporting a public figure friend of mine who had just lost a highly publicized trial in the US. Unfortunately this was a trial of the public; and justice, in my opinion, did not prevail. I received hundreds of thousands of hate comments, DMs, even emails. There were trolls reaching out to my mom, other members of my family, my boyfriend, my friends, and companies I worked with. Two different people made viral TikTok videos making fun of me and my hate-filled comment sections. It was horrible, to say the very least, and I became depressed. Thankfully, my support system of loving family and friends, an incredible therapist, and a phenomenal boyfriend has gotten me through.
At my lowest on June 2nd, 2022
Because of the negativity on my page I had brands pull out of paid Pride campaigns. I was told by my social media manager to get rid of all the hate or none of the campaigns would happen. I gave two of my friends my Instagram password so they could help me delete the comments and messages - it took days. Fortunately, most of the Pride brand deals happened, but the trauma of this ordeal has stayed with me.
In an effort to take care of myself, I decided to take July off from all brand deals. Throughout the month I traveled to Ireland with my boyfriend's family, attended my best friend's wedding in New Jersey, traveled to upstate New York for my family reunion, and went to Chicago for the first time to see my boyfriend's hometown. In August I came back to LA ready to work, but I was met with my previous social media manager telling me she was moving to Canada. In the same meeting she told me that my content wasn’t valuable and engaging enough, and that I’d need to do better; otherwise the talent group I signed with wouldn’t renew my contract at the end of the year. I was given a new manager, but it was in this conversation that I realized I couldn’t run away from my feelings anymore: I was unhappy with my job. I never aimed to be an influencer, even referring to myself as such makes me cringe, but I decided to stick it out and give it my best shot. In the last few months, though, it’s become clear that influencing is no longer serving me.
I know that I’m in a better position than most. I’ve made a living the past few years on my own hours, not confined to a cubicle with a boss berating me every day; but I also lack structure in my life because of it, and social media is all work and no fun for me. Even though we all have to have jobs - this isn’t what I want for my career. I’m more than just a social media influencer. I’m a real life influencer, constantly being asked what makeup and skincare I use, where I get my outfits from, etc. but I haven’t been able to translate that to my social platforms.
Although I have aligned with each and every product I’ve promoted, that doesn’t mean I should’ve put my likeness to it, and I’ve tarnished my brand by being too “influence-ery.” At first I accepted most deals that came through to be able to put food on my table; and in doing so my engagement tanked. Some brand partnerships like mine with UGG, Adidas, and Victoria’s Secret have been a dream come true and totally authentic to my story; but the Catch-22 is that I now can’t get even the most authentic of brand partnerships because my engagement is so low, and I can’t get my engagement up because most people don’t follow me for influencer-like content. I’m followed for my story, my voice, and the cool stuff I do outside of social media; but my entire presence has become social media.
The social media game has changed. I have a great story and a decent-sized following, but I’m not worth much to these brands without an ROI. Influencers are now a vessel for advertising, brand awareness, and sales. Product purchases through link clicks matter more than ever, and I clearly don’t translate to high link clicks and conversions anymore. Although I’ve loved working with my new manager, who’s kept me going, there's something blocking me. I see other influencers creating great content that I could totally do, but the thing is, I don’t want to. Social media is exhausting. I have so much respect for influencers and social media stars, it’s HARD WORK, but I’m not interested in playing that game anymore. I want to be more present. I want my energy and time back so I can continue writing scripts and auditioning, taking acting classes, and being the “solo-prenuer” that I am.
In my life it’s been proven that one door has to close before another can open - and I’m closing the social media door. With a potential recession coming, brands are not spending as much on influencers. I booked no holiday campaigns this season, and I haven’t made much money from brand partnerships the past six months. I’m once again worried about my finances and I need to make money, but I don't think it’ll happen with my energy in a place where it shouldn't be any longer. I’m ready for a change. I’m burnt out and I’m over it.
From the burnout, I’ve been struggling with getting out of bed in the mornings, motivating myself, sticking to a routine, accomplishing my goals, making plans, exercising regularly, eating healthily, giving myself grace, responding to DMs and texts and emails, and most of all being on social media. It’s not bringing me personal growth, or growth for the brands. I wanted to make casual money from socials while working towards my goals, but it stopped being casual and I stopped working towards my goals. I feel depleted with no energy to spend on answering messages, updating my website, writing, auditioning, taking acting classes, starting a podcast, and opening a production company. Something’s gotta give.
I need a break. I need a few weeks off to recuperate, reflect, and re-energize. This isn’t forever. I want to come back to social media and have fun on my platforms again. I want to rebuild the active community I once had. In publishing this blog post, I’m hoping to keep myself accountable for taking care of myself, refocusing my energy, and getting back into a healthy routine while I break away from my social media platforms. It’s going to be hard not to post. I love taking and making content but it’s become way too much for me to handle - even with help along the way. I’ve realized that being a social media influencer is not what I want, and it never really was.
I’m an activist, actress, entrepreneur, model, speaker, writer, producer, and hopefully, a future director. I’m Corey Rae. There is no one else like me, that’s why you follow me and are here reading this. I love all your love and I hope you all stick around, I want to make you proud. I'm excited to see what the future holds and to take you on whatever new journey lay ahead for me in 2023 (and beyond)!
Happy holidays, and cheers to a new year! See you all very soon...
Lots of Love,
Corey Rae
