This has been a slow month. July 4th was my loneliest day to date since moving to LA. To be fair, I’ve never loved the holiday; in my opinion there is way too much pressure to have the perfect plans. I spent the day working out, cleaning my room, then getting all dressed up with nowhere to go. Most of my friends were traveling, far away, or assumed I had already made plans. Instead of wallowing in self-pity, I took myself on a walk through the park nearby and to dinner at The Grove. It’s interesting how my day panned out, it made me realize it’s perfectly alright to feel lonely but not allow loneliness to ruin my entire day. Oddly, I’m happy I spent the day by myself; I feel accomplished and somehow more comfortable with who I am.

The only thing I don’t feel secure in right now is my career, which has been my main focus this month. I’ve been writing a LOT, but not just for this blog or StyleCaster. I have something brewing and I cannot wait to share it with everyone and anyone who will read it in the future.

In the middle of the month I had a long overdue colonoscopy and upper endoscopy to see why I’m having pains in my lower abdomen. Before the procedure I had called my surgeon who performed my sexual reassignment surgery to see if she had moved around or used any organs during it, which is something I had wondered about for years. She hadn’t, which gave me immediate relief; I couldn’t imagine if the surgery that gave me such life would also be the reason behind my pain. The prep for the colonoscopy, as everyone said it would be, was a horrific experience. I’d go as far to say it was worse than my prep for sexual reassignment surgery. Luckily, my grandparents had come up from the desert for a few hours to take me to and from my procedure (and bring me my favorite vegan protein powder). They’re the best, and them being here gave me a sense of comfort I didn’t know I needed.  

With the results from the procedure being all good, it leaves me wondering what really did happen to me the day before Lightning in a Bottle; was it just a fluke? The mystery of my stomach problems unfortunately shall be continued...

Towards the end of this month my schedule started to pick back up with modeling gigs, and although I was busy, this last week of July I’ve felt extremely homesick; probably the most since I’ve moved here. I miss my mom and brother, I miss my friends, I miss the ease of meeting someone new, I miss the access to go anywhere at the same low cost (although I’ll take the cost of using Uber/Lyft everywhere over the grossness of a subway any day).

LA is truly a lonely city. On a street corner here there may be one or two other people, but in New York, there will be hundreds. It’s much more difficult to meet someone by a chance encounter, or feel any sort of romanticism in a city like this one. It makes me wonder about the person I’ll end up with. Will I meet them here? Will I have to travel back to Europe? Have I already met or dated them?! I’m leaving it to my higher powers to answer those questions for me, but I’m hoping it’ll happen sooner than later (i.e. once my career has taken off in the direction I need it to… so that needs to hurry up too).

The takeaways from this month are mostly about being lonely, and trusting the growth that will come from it. I really believe one has to be comfortable and happy with themselves first before being able to be a really good partner, which seems to be on my mind most as of late. I hesitate with wanting a relationship; I feel like I’m almost ready, and I just need to feel comfortable in my career first. I know that good things take time and are worth the wait, but, I’m starting to get a little impatient.

Until next month…

xxCR